The Wheel of Consent: A Walk-Through To Enhance Relationship Clarity

We use the Wheel of Consent, developed by Dr. Betty Martin, as a powerful tool in relationship therapy. Whether you're navigating romantic partnership, family dynamics, friendships, or the residue of past relationships, the Wheel can help you find clarity, choice, and deeper authenticity.

This model maps out two questions:
Who is doing the action?
Who is it for?

By answering those questions, we discover four distinct experiences: Serve, Accept, Take, and Allow. Each quadrant teaches something essential about boundaries, consent, and connection.

1. Serve – You are doing something for someone else’s benefit.

This is what we often think of as “giving”—but this is just one kind of giving. This is giving your action for your partner’s benefit or enjoyment. It is conscious and chosen. In the Serve quadrant, you’re the one doing the action, for someone else’s benefit.

When you have clarity about being in the Serve Quadrant, you might say:

“Yes, I will do this for you.”

In therapy, we explore: Are you giving freely, or out of guilt or obligation? Are you over-functioning or abandoning yourself in the name of “helping”? Healthy service requires a strong sense of self and internal boundaries.

2. Accept – Someone is doing something for you, and you receive it.

This is the traditional “receiving” role—in which someone is doing something for you. But many people find it surprisingly difficult. Accepting can feel vulnerable, unfamiliar, or even unsafe, especially if your history includes strings-attached giving.

When you have clarity about being in the Accept Quadrant, you might say:

“Will you do this for me?”

or - “Yes, please!”

Learning to accept—without apology or shrinkage—is part of reclaiming your own worth and emotional needs in relationship.

3. Take – You do something for yourself, with someone else’s consent.

This quadrant often brings up discomfort. Many of us were taught not to ask, not to want, or that having needs was selfish. In this quadrant, you’re the one acting, and you’re doing it for your own benefit or enjoyment—with clear agreement from the other person.

When you have clarity about being in the Take Quadrant, you might say:

“May I do this for me?”

In therapy, we use this quadrant to rebuild your connection to desire, clarity, and initiative—especially if you've spent years adapting to others’ needs before your own.

4. Allow – Someone else does something for themselves, and you agree to it.

Here, the other person is taking, and you're allowing. This is the other kind of giving. The gift you are giving here is access to yourself. You’re not doing the action, and it’s not for your benefit—but you’ve consented to it. This is different from tolerating or enduring.

When you have clarity about being in the Allow Quadrant, you might say:

“Yes, I’m okay with you doing that.”

This quadrant helps you notice: Am I actually willing? Or am I overriding myself to keep the peace? It’s about staying in relationship while staying in your truth.

Why This Matters in Relationship Therapy

Many relational patterns—especially codependency, people-pleasing, or boundary confusion—come from never having been taught to feel what’s truly yours to give, receive, take, or allow. The Wheel of Consent gives us language and awareness for relational dynamics that often go unnamed but deeply shape how we show up.

In individual relationship therapy, this tool helps you:

• Recognize where you’ve been giving from depletion or receiving with guilt

• Clarify your true "yes" and your empowered "no"

• Reconnect with authentic desire and choice

• Heal patterns of self-abandonment, silence, or resentment

• Create relationships rooted in mutual clarity, not unconscious compromise

• We support every person’s journey to arrive at deep agreement in relationships, and, at the same time, we always keep in mind that consent is a privilege that is not afforded to all persons in all situations

The Wheel of Consent® is a registered trademark of Dr. Betty Martin. This summary is intended for educational purposes only and does not replace formal training in the model.